I’ve been weird since day 1.

Bonnie is the type of mom they make movies about. If motherhood had a sticker chart, she would be that mom that has stars on every line. She keeps one hell of a calendar, volunteers at the school for basically anything and puts so much thought into her kids’ birthday parties that she always puts my ol’ cake and ice cream parties to shame. She’s got a 4.0 GPA in mommyhood and is one hell of a room mom.

Bonnie and her family

Bonnie is the cool mom that every parent at school wants to hang with. I’m more of the laid back “I’d rather be at home chugging back an entire bottle of merlot instead of being at this PTA meeting” type of mom. I literally only sign up for room mom each year because my child never lets me forget that “ Nina always signs up for room mom.” Shut your mouth CJ and eat your damn chicken nuggets!

Side note: In the Mexican culture, “Nina” is what you call your God mother. Bonnie is CJ’s God mother, therefore his Nina.

Motherhood is not the only area in which Bonnie excels. Literally everything she touches turns to gold. She owns a successful digital media business with her husband, lives in a fucking mansion, started a lifestyle blog with one of our besties, Pam, and she is the queen of mixed drinks (hence Boozin’ with Bon’). Oh and her claim to fame is that she can never tell a lie.

True story – When Bonnie was only 5 years old, my mother told her that she couldn’t have any of her Halloween candy until she got home. Bonnie, feeling surprisingly bold, decided she was going to have a piece anyway. She grabbed a tootsie roll, took half a bite and was so overcome with guilt that she spit it out and called my mother to snitch on herself. What. A. Kiss. Ass! To this day, Bonnie recounts this story whenever her honesty is being questioned *insert eye roll*.

In a nut shell, Bonnie is pretty perfect in every way. So you can imagine how irritating it was for me growing up with her since I was basically the complete opposite. I always lied. I made it through school by the skin of my teeth. I stayed in trouble and on punishment. And I most certainly took candy out of the Halloween bag when I wasn’t supposed to. And you know what? I never lost a wink of sleep. That’s right. I’m a real bad ass.

Even though I nothing like Bonnie, I’ve always admired everything about her. I mean, she is the best big sister on the planet to me and my baby sis. AND if we were ever threatened by ANYONE Bonnie was BOUT THAT THUG LIFE! She’s literally the epitome of “ride or die”. Even though she’s just barely 5 feet tall. She don’t give a fuck. She’s small but mighty and she’ll beat a bitch’s ass for her sisters, m’kay?

Anyway, growing up with Super Sister was a real bitch.  Anything  I did wrong seemed that much worse because Little Miss Perfect did everything right. Ugh. So the moment I got a chance to bring her down, I relished in the opportunity.

Before Bonnie went to high school, we were thick as thieves. We did EVERYTHING together. This was not by choice at all. My mom basically let Bonnie do anything she wanted “as long as you take your sister with you”.  This irritated the fuck out of Bonnie, but I absolutely loved it. I went to the movies with Bonnie and her friends. Big girl sleepovers. Went to the mall with them. All kinds of shit. It was incredible. For me at least.

The first time I tried to tarnish Bonnie’s oh-so-perfect reputation was when she was around 14 and I was 9. You see, when she got to high school, my mother loosened up on the “you have to take your sister” rule. So majority of the time, I was at home while Bonnie was living her best life. I hated it. To make matters worse, Bonnie had started “dating”. One day, Bonnie had a friend over the house and refused to let me hang out with them. Oh hell nah. I was going to ruin her little date and tarnish her cool reputation.

I waited for the perfect opportunity, ran into the living room and tackled Bonnie to the ground. I was determined to ruin her date. For about .5 seconds I actually thought I might be victorious in this wrestling match. Welp. Joke was on me. I lost the upper hand after Bonnie realized what was going on and she beat my ass. So in the end, I looked like a damn fool and Bonnie looked like Floyd Mayweather. That was some bullshit.  

The next time I tried to make Bonnie look bad was about two years after the wrestling incident. One day, I was snooping around Bonnie’s room looking for a new outfit to wear to school. An outfit that I had absolutely no intentions of telling Bonnie I was going to “borrow”; but that’s neither here nor there. Somehow, I ended up looking under her bed where I found her Pom Pom duffle bag filled with empty wine cooler bottles. That sneaky little biatch had been boozin’ it up with her dance friends. I GOT HER!

I couldn’t wait for my mom to get home so I could get Bonnie in major trouble. However, by the time my mom came home and I took her to the room, the bag was completely empty. What in the Harry Houdini type of shit was this?? How did she find out what I was up to? Geez! She was 10 steps ahead of me. She even misbehaved perfectly. To make matters worse, I got put on punishment for going into Bonnie’s room without permission. Now I was hot.

At this point I was on a mission to catch Bonnie doing anything that would ruin her Little Miss Perfect image. She has got to have a flaw, right? The very last time I tried to throw Bonnie under the bus, I was 100% positive that my plan was foolproof! I was gonna take her down and it was going to be oh so good.

I was in the living room, about to watch TV, when Bonnie walked into the kitchen. She didn’t know I was in the living room and I saw her reaching to the very top shelf to retrieve a pack of mystery pills from a little clear pouch. She grabbed some water, took the pills and stashed the remaining pills back on the very top shelf. Then she grabbed her purse and walked out the door.

Holy. Shit. I couldn’t believe the discovery I had made. Finally! Bonnie was doing something that was waaaayyyy worse than anything I had ever done! Bonnie was on drugs! And I was going to take her ass down.

I went to the cabinet and took a pack of the pills so I could have proof when I broke the heartbreaking news to my mom. I was in the 8^th grade at the time and worked at my mother’s hair salon on Saturdays sweeping hair for like 20 bucks a day. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that broke about a thousand child labor laws. Anyway, I planned on telling my mom when she had a break at work that way Bonnie wouldn’t overhear me and beat my ass for snitching.

I watched my mom like a hawk, waiting for her to have a free moment so I could put Bonnie on front street. FINALLY she finished a client a few minutes early and walked into her office. I dropped my trusty dusty broom, followed her inside and shut the door behind me.

Me: Mom. I need to talk to you about something very serious and I don’t want you to get upset. Please understand that people make mistakes and Bonnie is only human so we can fix this.

My mom, now very concerned: What’s wrong with Bonnie?

I reached into my purse, pulled out the pack of pills and handed them to my mom.

Me: Now don’t freak out, but I saw Bonnie taking these this morning. Mom. Bonnie is on drugs. Heavy drugs. Cause she took the whole pack.

My mom stared at me for a second. Just blinking. I think she was trying to figure out if I was serious or not. I just looked back at her like so you gonna get mad or nah?

She then took a deep breath but not a this is very serious deep breath. More like a wow my daughter is a complete idiot and I’m trying not to laugh deep breath.

My Mom: Sweetheart. Thank you for your concern but… um. These are vitamins. Not drugs. Just multivitamins. Bonnie’s not a drug addict.

Wait. There must be some kind of mistake.

Me: So you’re telling me that Bonnie is not a crackhead?

Mom: Bonnie is not a crackhead.

Wow. This was awkward. Saying I felt like a moron is an understatement.

Mom: You should really be careful before making these types of accusations, Katryce. You could’ve gotten you sister in serious trouble. But since you’re in here, I got a message from your school yesterday and they said you were sent to the vice principal’s office twice this week.

Oh shit. I forgot all about that.

Me: I can explain. It wasn’t my fault. Our substitute teacher is the devil! Besides, I totally talked my way out of it so there’s nothing on my record. So we cool?

Mom: You’re grounded for two weeks. I have to go. My next client is here.

Wait, what? What in thee hell just happened? How did this go from the greatest narcotics busts of all time to me getting put on punishment?

So it was back to my boring life of punishment and broom sweeping. Bonnie just couldn’t be taken down. She was too great of an opponent and I was the absolute worst evil villain ever. I had no other option but to adopt the “if you can’t beat em’ join em’” mentality. I jumped on the Bonnie bandwagon. And you know what? She wasn’t that bad. She was actually pretty cool. And once I stopped trying to sabotage her every move, she actually wanted to start hanging out with me. Like, without my mom forcing her.

So all was well. Or at least for a little. Because once that little biatch of a baby sister of mine hit middle school, she too became “perfect”. The awards, honor rolls and other accolades started pouring in and it was time for me to take down another sister. *insert evil laugh*. I’ll save that story for another day

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The post My Big Sister Bonnie and The Day I Falsely Accused Her of Being a Crackhead appeared first on The Funny Momma.