16 Nov How to Survive Unexpected Holiday Guests

We’ve all been through it. It’s two days before Thanksgiving and you’re frantically prepping dinner and cleaning your house for the upcoming holiday. You haven’t done your hair, your mascara is running from yesterday’s late night laundry session and you’re in the same faded, oversized t-shirt/holey sweatpants outfit you’ve been rocking for the last three days. You finally get a second to sit down, kick your feet up with a bottle of wine and suddenly the doorbell rings.

I’ll just ignore it. Probably a door to door salesman.

Doorbell rings again.

Wow, they’re persistent!

Doorbell rings a third time and then the phone rings. It’s Aunt Sally from North Carolina and she’s “freezing her ass off outside of your house so answer the door!”

FML

What are you supposed to do?! Your house is a mess, there’s no food anywhere and you just downed the last of your liquor cabinet. Well I’m here to help. Here are my tips for surviving unexpected Holiday guests!

1. Always keep the living room and kitchen clean in November and December!

I know, I know. I’m supposed to be making this easier and instead I hit you with this shit? Hear me out. During the holiday months I always make sure that those two rooms are at least half way decent. Even if the rest of the house falls to shit, I make sure that the two rooms I do the most entertaining in have it together. How do I keep it clean with kids? Good question. I don’t let those little jerks play or watch TV in those rooms until Christmas. Harsh? Maybe. Necessary? Definitely.  That way if someone comes unexpectedly you aren’t frantically running back and forth picking up loose Legos and holey socks. I just give the kids an extra scoop of ice cream and 30 extra TV watching minutes in my room and they forget all about the fact that I have them in solitary confinement for two months. They’ll live.

2. Use your kids as distractions!

My kids always, ALWAYS, want to put on some kind of circus, Kung Fu, Broadway show for my entertainment and it ends up being two hours of terrible singing and off beat dancing that makes me want to tear out my eyes and rip off my ears. However, regardless of how bad it is, my kids are so cute that I can’t bear telling them that they suck ass. I use their own strategy on my unwanted visitors. “Ohhhhhh CJ!!!! Come show your Aunt that new play you’ve been putting together. She would love it!” Just like that, you have time to throw another load of laundry in and Febreeze the areas of the house the guests haven’t made it  to yet.

3. Always keep a bottle of wine in the pantry.

If you’re like me, wine is the only thing that gets you through the holiday season. Now I’m going to ask you to take that same wine and use it on your guests. Not only to impress them by the fact that you have a non-boxed wine in the house, but to get them drunk. Yes. You heard right. Get your guests shit-faced. Trust me on this one. Uncle Bobby and Aunt Barbara will FOR SURE pay more attention to your kid’s half ass rendition of Finding Nemo if they’re buzzed. This gives you time to secretly tidy up the guest bedroom just in case they decided to stay the night. Again, FML.

4. Always keep a make shift hors d’oeuvreand meal in the freezer.

I’m not talking about any fancy shit. I’m talking everything for under $25 and I keep it in the freezer in case of an emergency. My dishes of choice? An $8 box of mini quiche and a family sized, $14 Stouffers Lasagna. Pop those babies in the oven the moment your not-so-welcome guests arrive and they will think you are the most hospitable momma this side of the Mississippi.

5. Invite your parents over!

I know this seems counterproductive, however it will work to your advantage. Just trust me on this one. At some point the uninvited will grow tired of your children’s bullshit ass show and will need some real adult interaction. I hate talking to anyone that I can’t openly curse around so it’s time to invite mommy and/or daddy to do the dirty work. Most of the time they’re ecstatic to see out-of-state family members and will almost always make plans for them to come back to they’re house to stay.

6. Take your guests to surprise another family member!                                                                      

This is my favorite strategy and it has worked seamlessly for me every time. I always insist that we go visit my older sister, Bonnie, because she would never forgive me if she didn’t get to see her FAVORITE aunt while she was in town. When we arrive I always avoid eye contact from Bonnie’s evil death glare and slip out the back door. Now the guests are Bonnie’s problem and not mine!

There you have it folks! I just gave you six tips that will make you the Martha Stewart of this Holiday season! You can thank me in wine.

How do you deal with unexpected guests during the holiday season?