26 Dec So Let Me Tell You About My Christmas…

So let me tell you about my Christmas…

Christmas is over and I am a mess! It’s the most wonderful time of the year and just like that, it’s gone and just boring old Tuesday again. Argh! I loved spending time with my family and friends, the twinkling houses and delicious food but just like every other year, we have to get back to our regularly scheduled program. Although my Christmas was AMAZING, this has been a stressful month leading up to my favorite holiday. Here’s what happened:

First, my husband and I decided to buy a home two weeks before Christmas. On one end, it’s incredible to wake up in your new home on Christmas but on the other hand I am broke as shit because I have spent every dime I have on christmas gifts, furniture and all of the other odds and ends that pop up when you buy a home. You know how people always say “don’t go house poor”? Well my husband took that advice but it went way over my head. If you see my children on the streets break dancing with an upside down baseball cap on the ground, throw them a dollar or two. It’s to pay my credit card bills off. And don’t tell my husband.

Second, my beautiful, bouncing baby boy has decided that the weekend of Christmas is the best time to grow in his top two teeth AND catch his first cold. Every shirt I own is covered in teething biscuit gunk, snot and baby ibuprofen. I haven’t slept for more than two hours in over a week and no amount of concealer can hide these raccoon-ish dark circles I’m carrying under my eyes. I fell asleep in line at target on Friday and was awoken by a very sweet target team member that suggested I go take a look at the luxury memory foam pillows they had on sale in isle 10. I don’t need a fucking pillow, Samantha. I need a fucking break. (Side note- I actually did buy two pillows because the sale was too good to pass up. Thanks for the tip, Sam.)

Third, remember how I said we just bought a house? We closed on December 7th and on December 22nd our kitchen faucet refused to shut off. We called five plumbers but no one is available until the new year. I offered to change the faucet myself to which my husband politely declined. If it wasn’t for the fact that I don’t have a plumbers wrench, I would’ve handled it on my own. So now, every time I wash dishes, I have to go under the sink and turn the water line off and on until January 2nd. This is some bullshit.

Fourth, my period decided to make an appearance on Thursday so I was a complete mega bitch for the past five days. I got snappy with both of my sisters on multiple occasions (sorry about that guys) and then I broke down in tears in the middle of the living room when I couldn’t get the sticker off of the glass portion of my mother-in-law’s picture frame we got her for christmas. Dear Marshalls, TJ Maxx and Ross, please stop putting the price stickers on the visible areas of your items. It not only takes a freaking miracle to remove the sticky residue from the surface but my nails take a big time hit and it chips my polish down to the base coat.

So after all of that, I get ready to go to sleep on Christmas eve after finally getting my baby to sleep and praying to get at least 3 hours of beauty rest. I walk to my room, day dreaming about the moment I can put my head on my new memory foam pillow, and as soon as I open the door I am slapped in the face with the stench of my husbands ass. You see, Christmas Eve dinner at my moms house is composed of traditional Mexican dishes including refried black beans. Dayo ate a lot of beans. A-fucking-lot. So while I was struggling to put the baby to bed, he was orchestrating a crescendo of nuclear farts in our bedroom. When I saw him sleeping on the bed like a baby with a smile on his face and his butt pointed in the direction of my pillow, I took one of our throw pillows and thrashed him over the head. “You dirty bastard! No human’s ass should smell like this!” to which he answered “ you’re welcome.” What an asshole! Literally.

So yeah, that was my December in a nutshell. Although it was crazy, I’m so very grateful for every blessing my family and I have received and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Any crazy holiday stories? Share them in the comments!