20 Sep Awkward Rub Down- The Best Yet Most Uncomfortable Massage Ever

Every birthday, I take off of work to pamper myself. That day normally involves Starbucks, the nail salon, the movies, TJMaxx and a relaxing massage- without fail. This year was no different. Well… maybe a little different. This year, my massage was a little bit…ok A LOTTA bit… different than last year. I know you have questions so let me explain.

I am very particular about my massages. And by particular, I mean cheap AF. So unless I’m given a gift card of some sort, I always get my massages at those dollar-a-minute, bootleg massage parlors in the mall.  Don’t judge me! Even though they look a little sketchy, they give one hell of a massage. My favorite of all the rub down spots is a little shop in Beltway Plaza in Greenbelt, MD. I’ve been going there for about four years now.

You walk in, tell them how many minutes you want and then go to the first available person. By chance, each time I’ve gone I’ve only been seen by men. I was completely fine with that because I like a deep tissue massage and the women who work there are so very tiny that I just assumed they couldn’t work the kinks out like the men do.

Boy, was I wrong.

The other day I went and was greeted by the tiniest little woman with an even smaller voice.

Lady: “How can I help you?”

Me: “1 hour massage please.”

Lady: “Ok. I do for you. Come.”

I reluctantly followed her to the back. I just couldn’t wrap my head around how this tiny little woman was going to give me a deep tissue massage. Regardless, I didn’t want to offend her, so I followed her anyway. She led me into an area that was partitioned off by semi-sheer curtains. You could see the silhouette of the person getting massaged next to you, but that’s about it.  

“Get ready. I’ll be back.” She said.

This is the part where you undress. At normal massage spots, you remove all articles of clothing. But at this place you HAVE to leave on you bra and underwear or they won’t massage you. This is a rule that I’m totally cool with because I’m weird about getting naked in front of strangers. So I stripped down to my nickers and laid on the table- face down/ass up.

It’s always awkward laying semi-naked on the table waiting for the massage person to walk in. It was even more awkward for me because I was wearing a red thong and had my hair in a braid, so I felt like Anastasia Steele waiting for Christian Grey to come do some freaky S&M shit.

Finally, I heard the woman walk in and close the curtain behind her. She started fumbling around with the timer, setting the clock for 60 minutes.

“Ok. Let’s begin. You want hard or soft.”

“Huh?”

She began digging her knuckle into my butt cheek to demonstrate what she meant.

“Do you want hard massage…. or soft massage?”

“Oh. Hard please. I have a lot of pain. I am very stress-“

“Ok. Ok. I do for you. Quiet. Quiet.”

Well alrighty then.

Please keep in mind that my head was in the little massage table hole so I couldn’t see her, I could just hear her.

The first ten minutes of the massage started out just fine. She sat in a chair at the head of the massage table and began with my neck. I was pleasantly surprised with the amount of strength this little woman had. She was working it out. She then undid my braid and stood up. So the top of my head was now in line with her crotch.

She then began kneading my neck and rocking her body as she did it. Although this felt great, I had a hard time relaxing because every time she rocked forward, her hoo-ha would brush against the top of my skull. I really wanted to ask her to chill, but my neck hurt so badly and this was really doing the fucking trick. It only last about 30 seconds, so I got over it pretty quickly.

After my neck was done, she put some lotion in her hand and walked around to my side. What happened next really shocked me. She literally mounted my back. Like, she was sitting on her knees, on top of my ass! Talk. About. Awkward. So as she massaged my back, she rocked back and forth with her knees. Again, I didn’t know if I should thank her or be offended that she didn’t buy me a drink first. Either way, I still allowed it.

She stayed there for about 15 minutes. When she finally got down, she leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Hooowww dooo yooouuuu feeeeeel?” To which I responded, “Ummm. I’m fine. I’m totally fine.” Still not sure if I was saying that for her or saying it to reassure myself that this was totally normal.

As she sat back up, she used one hand and popped my bra open. WHAT. IN. THE. 50 SHADES OF GREY. IS. GOING. ON. HERE? Before I could react, I heard the clink of the hot stones. That’s my fave part, so there was no way I was going to jeopardize that happening. She placed the stones on my back and I was in heaven. Besides, at this point she had made me her bitch so I was going to enjoy my last 15 minutes.

When we were finally done, she tapped me on the back and said, “you pay upfront” and walked out. At that moment I felt like a $2 hoe who was left on the bed with no regard. She didn’t even have the decency to re-hook my bra. And here I am thinking we built some kind of connection.

After I got myself together and re-braided my hair, it was time for us to meet  face to face again. I walked to the front where the lady was waiting for me while she slurped on a bowl full of Pho noodles. I smiled awkwardly at her and she looked at me like I was crazy. I realize at this point I now looked like a creep, so I quickly wiped the smile off my face.

When it came time for me to sign my receipt and add the tip, I had trouble deciding how much. Generally I always tip 20% but as I stood there I realized just how good my body felt. Aside from the fact that this woman treated me like a low-rate street walker, she really worked some magic on my body! So I gave her a 25% tip. It was the least I could do.