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1. Hair Scalp Massager Shampoo Brush

This is probably the best purchase I’ve made all year. I HATE washing my hair not only because I’m lazy as hell but mainly because I never felt like I could truly get it clean as clean as when I get my hair washed at the salon. As a curly girl, you use loads of products on a weekly basis so the product buildup can be so real! The soft, silicone bristles on this handy, little tool gently scrubs my hair clean while giving me a mini massage at the same time. I don’t have to worry about my arms hurting or wasting shampoo because I no longer have to do multiple washings in one sitting. This is my favorite product on this list HANDS DOWN!

2. Denman 9-Row Styling Brush

Even product distribution is a MUST when it comes to defined curls. This brush helps so much with that. After applying product to you hair, use this brush to comb through and coat your strands evenly. PS. I only use this brush for product distribution and my hair has to be super wet. I do not recommend this brush for use on dry hair or to detangle.

3.Wet Brush

This is what I use to detangle my hair. This brush is a God send for curly girls because it doesn’t rip your hair to detangle, it easily glides through and eases through the tangles. I use this particular brush after I apply my conditioner or deep conditioner to help with the tangles. It is also gentle enough for my toddlers fine hair so that’s definitely a mom win!

4.Luxe Beauty Essentials Microfiber Hair Towel

One big no-no I was making on a consistent basis was using a regular towel to dry my hair. Not only do they increase frizz and pull at your tresses, they also dry your hair out. And the first rule of beautiful curls- moisturized hair. This towel does not tug or pull hair and only removes excess water not all moisture. I saw a HUGE difference in my curl pattern and frizz reduction after I started drying my hair with this bad boy.

5. Xtava Black Orchid Large Hair Diffuser

Although I try to stay away from the blow-dryer as often as possible, there are times when I’m on a time crunch and can’t wait for my hair to air dry. This is my go-to diffuser because it dries my hair so quickly without sacrificing definition and also helps to manage frizz. It’s also HUGE so it’s perfect for curly girls with A LOT of hair. I normally start with cool air and give it a quick once-over and then alternate between warm and cool. I only dry until my hair is about 75% of the way dry and then let the rest air dry. Side note- The Black Orchid Diffuser is not a universal fit for all hair dryers. It has a 1.8 inch diameter / 6 Inch Circumference and will securely attach to any hair dryer with the same diameter. I made that mistake and ended up having to literally duct tape my diffuser to my blow-dryer- it was a mess. BUT the diffuser still worked like a damn charm lol.oy.

6. Satin Bonnet

I never in my life slept with a satin bonnet on until about 2 months ago and now I can’t sleep without it! I noticed such a huge difference in my next day hair routine. It was quicker and still looked almost as good as it did the day before. This bonnet is so big which is awesome when you have a lot of hair. I just flip my head over, slip the bonnet on and stuff my curls inside. The satin protects your ends from splitting and protects the natural oils in your hair as pillow cases and bed sheets tend to absorb them all. Protect the curls ya’ll!

7. Fancy Shower Cap for Deep Conditioning

I deep condition my hair every Sunday and leave it in overnight. At around 4pm I wash my hair, put in the deep conditioner and walk around all day in an ugly ass shower cap that I’ve had for YEARS! I then proceed to the grocery store where I almost always bump into my neighbors who just look at me in shock. I just found this super cute shower on Amazon and ordered it today because I can’t let the people in my neighborhood seeing me look so bootleg every Sunday lol. Even if you don’t get this one, it’s important to use a shower cap to seal in the deep conditioner to make sure it locks in the moisture. This one was so damn cute, I had to share:)

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I come from a family full of traditions and one of the main traditions is when the children go to “sleep” on Christmas night, the adults drink, rock out to Christmas jams and play rounds of hilarious games. I wanted to share a few hilarious games that are sure to make this holiday season one to remember!

Disclaimer: These are all adult games, so they are not children friendly:/

1. Chardonnay Go! – The Board Game for Wine Lovers, Moms and Other Shameless People

This game is for wine lovers (aka me) who aren’t afraid to let loose and do dumb shit at the same time! It’s a hilarious combo of the classic board game and DIRTY CHARADES!

2. Never Have I Ever, The Game of Poor Life Decisions

Everyone has played some version of this game before, but this time there are 485 cards that call on life’s most embarrassing, hilarious or awkward moments. P.S. – this one was featured on Ellen, so you KNOW it’s good!

3. Urban Dictionary: The Party Game of Slang

Are you caught up on the latest slang and lingo? Let’s find out! Compete with friends for the title of King/Queen of the Urban Dictionary. The only game where “food boner” and “double rainbow” are winning answers to “#MyFirstDate”.

4. Drawing Without Dignity – An Adult Party Game of Uncensored Sketches

Consider yourself somewhat an artist? This uncensored Pictionary-style party game pits you and your disturbed friends against each other in a race to draw and guess all types of inappropriate, naughty and hilarious clues.

5. That’s What She Said Game – The Party Game of Twisted Innuendos

Always a party starter, this outrageous party in a box is a must-have for your next game night! Let the side-splitting laughter and sip-spitting commence!

6. Quickwits Party Card Game

QuickWits is an easy to learn game that will turn unexpectedly dirty faster than you think. This one is NOT for the faint of heart, the uptight and those with weak bladders.

7. Fk. The Game – Hilariously Social Party Game

This hilariously social game let’s you swear at your friends without offending them. Get ready to laugh and watch everyone f**ck up!

8. Go Fish Yourself

A remake on a old-school classic! Instead of hoarding boring cards, you force other players to make pairs. Each pair comes with a set of ridiculous rules. If players can’t follow the rules, they are out.

9. The Voting Game

Want to get to know your friends a little better? This party game uncovers the hilarious truth behind your friendships. Warning: Things get pretty personal!

10. DRUNK STONED OR STUPID

This game can get real. Prepare to call out your friends in the worst and most awkward ways. DISCLAMINER: This one is not for the faint of heart.

So there you have it folks. The Funny Momma bringing you another little gem to make this the best holiday yet! Merry Christmas ya filthy animals:)

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The post 10 Adult Games You Need to Play This Holiday Season appeared first on The Funny Momma.

Every year, my husband and I host an ugly sweater party for our friends and family, so I’m somewhat of an expert when it comes to Christmas attire. Here is my list of Ugly Sweaters that you need to rock the shit out of this holiday season.

1. This one is for all the non-believers.

Jack’D Up Tees Ask Your Mom If I’m Real’ Christmas Santa Premium Crewneck Sweatshirt

2. For those with a more risqué lifestyle.

Pekatees Ugly Sweatshirts Off The Shoulder Sweater I Got Ho’s In Different Area Codes

3. You’ll be the life of the party in this little number.

Tipsy Elves Men’s Beer Pong Sweater

4. All my Game of Thrones fans STAND UP! These two are for you!

Fresh Tees Ho Ho Hodor Ugly Christmas Sweatshirt

Fresh Tees Let It Snow Jon Snow Ugly Christmas Sweatshirt

5. Cause Santa don’t do this shit for free.

Vizor Bitch Better Have My Cookies Sweatshirt

6. This one needs no explanation.

Snowtorious Ugly Christmas Sweater

7. This is uncomfortable and hilarious at the same time.

TeeStars – I Touch My Elf Ugly Christmas Sweater Sweatshirt

8. A not-so-known fun fact is that Santa is really Mexican. And he wears a sombrero.

Feliz Navidad Ugly Christmas Sweater in Green By Festified

9. For moms who take gift wrapping very seriously.

Gangsta Wrapper Raglan Tee

10. Because… Mike Tyson

Wild Bobby Merry Chrithmith Mike Tyson Ugly Christmas Sweater

These bad boys are sure to be a hit at any of the numerous ugly sweater parties you are forced to attend this holiday season. Thank me later!

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The post 10 Ugly Sweaters That Are Sure to be a Hit This Holiday Season appeared first on The Funny Momma.

Side note: Am I the only person who believes that husbands are the biggest babies in the entire world when they get sick? When my husband, Dayo, gets sick- Lord help us all. First words he mutters whenever he even gets a little tickle on the back of his throat “I feel like I’m going to die”. Do you, Dayo? Do you? I guess I should just call our lawyer and have them update the will. My strong, tough husband turns into a whining, helpless, man child who believes I’m his personal slave. What a little wuss puss.

Anyway, over time I’ve had to really get my nursing skills up to ensure that I (1)  contain the virus, so the uninfected don’t get sick and (2) speed up the healing process, so I can stop being a prisoner to my own family.

Below are my tips on how I make it through flu season and still keep my sanity. Disclaimer: I am no doctor, but these are tried and true tips that have worked for my family.

1. Raw Organic Unfiltered Apple Cider Vinegar– This is the number 1 item I would suggest to any parent or human being for that matter. Whenever anyone in my family turns into a crusty, mucus monster I make sure to down this shit like three times a day to protect myself from being turned into a gooey, booger factory.FYI: It’s absolutely disgusting! Some people take a straight shot, but I’m not nearly that gangsta. I mix mine with water. It is important to make sure that any apple cider you get says “with the mother”. That’s the good part that helps to kill all the bacteria and stuff. I try to drink it at least once a day on a regular basis just to prevent any pesky germs from making their way into my system.
2. Aquaphor Advanced Therapy Healing Ointment– I know what you’re thinking “isn’t that for babies’ asses and shit?” but trust me, this greasy gunk is THE BEST! I normally use it for my baby’s butt and my dry skin, but this stuff is handy AF when your baby/kid/man-child-husband gets a fever rash. Not sure if that’s the technical term, but fever rash is what I call a fever induced rash (that makes sense, right?).. I’ve recently had to deal with this as Ashton gets fever rashes on his neck and back during his teething spells. Rub this shit on the affected area and the rash is usually gone within hours!
3. QQCute Digital Infrared Forehead Thermometer – If you’re like me, you are grossed about putting a thermometer in a phlegm-filled mouth or stinky underarm. This baby is a GOD SEND! All you have to do is put the thermometer on the infected person’s forehead, press the button and you get their temperature in one second! Literally one second! No more pinning your baby down while trying to keep a thermometer under their underarm or holding a thermometer in your kid’s mouth while sharing awkward eye contact.
4. Vicks VapoRub– This one is an oldie, but goodie. Vicks not only helps with opening up a clogged, mucus-filled nose. It relieves muscle aches and pains ( even headaches if you rub it on your temples) AND it can even reduce a nighttime cough if you rub some on the bottom of your child’s feet and cover them with socks before bed.
   Bottom line: VICKS IS THE SHIT!
5. Pedialyte Freezer Pops– Even when one of my kids has a high temperature and barely wants to move, they will never say no to a popsicle. These bad boys will not only help cool your little one down, they are also packed with electrolytes sodium, potassium, and chloride to help them feel better fast; while replenishing the electrolytes they’ve lost when dehydration occurs. These lifesavers also have super low sugar count, so you don’t have to worry about your child miraculously feeling better and running around like a crack head.
6. Homemade Ginger Tea- This is my go to and it’s super easy. Just buy two knobs of ginger, peel them with a veggie peeler and drop them into a pot of simmering water for about an hour. Once that’s done, turn off the heat and add a cup of honey and the juice of one lemon. Serve it hot or allow it to cool and store it in the fridge for up to four days. This combo kicks any cold’s ass! It will knock out the sniffles and a sore throat in no time.

If you don’t have the time to make your own ginger tea, crystallized ginger tea packets are not only convenient but delicious! You don’t even have to add sugar!

There you have it folks. Tips from my house to yours on how to fight the flu season. What are some of your tricks for keeping your family healthy this time of year?

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The post How to Survive Flu Season and Keep Your Sanity appeared first on The Funny Momma.

I’ll just ignore it. Probably a door to door salesman.

Doorbell rings again.

Wow, they’re persistent!

Doorbell rings a third time and then the phone rings. It’s Aunt Sally from North Carolina and she’s “freezing her ass off outside of your house so answer the door!”

FML

What are you supposed to do?! Your house is a mess, there’s no food anywhere and you just downed the last of your liquor cabinet. Well I’m here to help. Here are my tips for surviving unexpected Holiday guests!

1. Always keep the living room and kitchen clean in November and December!

I know, I know. I’m supposed to be making this easier and instead I hit you with this shit? Hear me out. During the holiday months I always make sure that those two rooms are at least half way decent. Even if the rest of the house falls to shit, I make sure that the two rooms I do the most entertaining in have it together. How do I keep it clean with kids? Good question. I don’t let those little jerks play or watch TV in those rooms until Christmas. Harsh? Maybe. Necessary? Definitely.  That way if someone comes unexpectedly you aren’t frantically running back and forth picking up loose Legos and holey socks. I just give the kids an extra scoop of ice cream and 30 extra TV watching minutes in my room and they forget all about the fact that I have them in solitary confinement for two months. They’ll live.

2. Use your kids as distractions!

My kids always, ALWAYS, want to put on some kind of circus, Kung Fu, Broadway show for my entertainment and it ends up being two hours of terrible singing and off beat dancing that makes me want to tear out my eyes and rip off my ears. However, regardless of how bad it is, my kids are so cute that I can’t bear telling them that they suck ass. I use their own strategy on my unwanted visitors. “Ohhhhhh CJ!!!! Come show your Aunt that new play you’ve been putting together. She would love it!” Just like that, you have time to throw another load of laundry in and Febreeze the areas of the house the guests haven’t made it  to yet.

3. Always keep a bottle of wine in the pantry.

If you’re like me, wine is the only thing that gets you through the holiday season. Now I’m going to ask you to take that same wine and use it on your guests. Not only to impress them by the fact that you have a non-boxed wine in the house, but to get them drunk. Yes. You heard right. Get your guests shit-faced. Trust me on this one. Uncle Bobby and Aunt Barbara will FOR SURE pay more attention to your kid’s half ass rendition of Finding Nemo if they’re buzzed. This gives you time to secretly tidy up the guest bedroom just in case they decided to stay the night. Again, FML.

4. Always keep a make shift hors d’oeuvreand meal in the freezer.

I’m not talking about any fancy shit. I’m talking everything for under $25 and I keep it in the freezer in case of an emergency. My dishes of choice? An $8 box of mini quiche and a family sized, $14 Stouffers Lasagna. Pop those babies in the oven the moment your not-so-welcome guests arrive and they will think you are the most hospitable momma this side of the Mississippi.

5. Invite your parents over!

I know this seems counterproductive, however it will work to your advantage. Just trust me on this one. At some point the uninvited will grow tired of your children’s bullshit ass show and will need some real adult interaction. I hate talking to anyone that I can’t openly curse around so it’s time to invite mommy and/or daddy to do the dirty work. Most of the time they’re ecstatic to see out-of-state family members and will almost always make plans for them to come back to they’re house to stay.

6. Take your guests to surprise another family member!                                                                      

This is my favorite strategy and it has worked seamlessly for me every time. I always insist that we go visit my older sister, Bonnie, because she would never forgive me if she didn’t get to see her FAVORITE aunt while she was in town. When we arrive I always avoid eye contact from Bonnie’s evil death glare and slip out the back door. Now the guests are Bonnie’s problem and not mine!

There you have it folks! I just gave you six tips that will make you the Martha Stewart of this Holiday season! You can thank me in wine.

How do you deal with unexpected guests during the holiday season?

The post How to Survive Unexpected Holiday Guests appeared first on The Funny Momma.

1.

Wine Purse– You heard right. A. Mother. Fucking. Wine. Purse. MY ALL TIME FAVE! This bad boy is PERFECT for those lame ass soccer games! They hold 2 full liters of wine in liquid dispensing bags that are hidden inside the actual bag! There’s a hidden pouring spout that dispenses the wine AND it’s insulated so it will keep your wine cold for the whole game! And don’t you dare judge me because I’m having wine at my children’s soccer game at 10 in the morning! These games are so dry that I have to keep myself entertained!

2.
Wine Tumbler – Now that you have your wine, you need somewhere discreet to hide it. I give you the wine tumbler. It’s basically a sippy cup for adults and it’s bomb AF!. It holds 12oz of your fave wine AND won’t spill if you drop it! No one will ever know that you are having your own little party in your seat.

3.
Reclining Folding Chair – WITH AN UMBRELLA! The umbrella is important! I know this looks hella extra, but hear me when I tell you that you NEED this. It’s 10am, you stayed up late Friday night catching up on Stranger Things and folding laundry. Now you have to sit in the uncomfortable aluminum bleachers reluctantly talking to that one mom who wants to discuss the class holiday party budget for 45 minutes. I think not! You need to relax! Pop this little number open, take a gulp of your wine and enjoy the outdoors.

4.
Invisible Headphones – If you ask me, soccer games are too quiet. I don’t mind football because at least the crowd is wild, but little league soccer is like watching an intense chess game at a retirement home. The invisible headphones fit comfortably in your ears and nobody will even know that you are catching up on the latest celebrity gossip podcasts.

5.
Portable Neck Massager – What goes best with a reclining, folding chair and invisible headphones? A portable neck massager. Because let’s be honest – that weak ass neck massage you have to beg your husband to give you ain’t doin shit. Did I mention that it has two heat settings? This baby will provide the utmost relaxation and stress relief.

6.
Dual port battery pack – If you have children, especially very young bambinos, you understand the value of a fully charged phone or iPad. I can’t make it through any outing without having to prop open my phone or iPad, tune into Netflix and play Moana or Rio for the billionth time to keep the baby entertained. But when that battery light changes to red, you know shit is about to hit the fan. Not to fret my friends. I got you covered. This battery pack can recharge your phone FIVE times before it even needs to be charged itself and it has dual ports so you can charge your phone and your pesky ass husband’s at the same time.

So there you go. My Funny Momma tips for the week. Thank me later and enjoy your boring ass soccer games this weekend 

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