Postpartum Weight Loss- How I lost 33lbs.

You guys asked for it, so here it is. The way that I lost all of the baby weight and it’s pretty simple. But you have to be pretty strict. At least for 3 weeks. I like to call it the Detox from Hell but it has proven to be rather efficient.

Sidenote: I am not a nutritionist or doctor. This is just what worked for me.

I found it on Pinterest and it is called the 21 day sugar detox. It’s basically just a chart that tells you what to eat, what not to eat and what you can have in moderation. I’ve attached it to the bottom of this blog post. But that’s only for 21 days and although I did lose 33 pounds after baby, I cannot be that strict for the rest of my life. So below I’m going to tell you what to do if you’re trying to lose a shit-ton of weight versus if you’re just trying to maintain or trim off that five little extra pounds.

Alright. Let’s do this.

SUGARS- NO SUGAR AT ALL! That means no white sugar, no brown sugar and no natural sugars (honey, agave, brown rice syrup). At least not until you are satisfied with your weight loss. Sugar is the biggest culprit of unwanted weight gain so Cut. That. Shit. Out. Now that I am off the detox I use natural sweeteners in my tea/coffee or Splenda. Just one. Don’t go crazy ya’ crackhead.

WATER – Drink plenty of water. I’m not talking one 16 ounce bottle of water a day. I’m talking at least a gallon a day. Starting will be very difficult. You’ll feel like a fish and you’ll feel like giving up but water is key. When I first started, I set an alarm on my phone for every 30 minutes to alert me that I needed to drink more water. That really helped me with finishing the bottle by the end the day. Water not only helps to flush out your system, it makes you more regular AND it helps your skin glow. Especially if you booze it up like I do. Water is your friend.


JUICE AND SODA- These two mother fuckers are a weight-loss nightmare. No matter how strict you are on a diet, if you are still drinking soda and juice (even if it’s diet soda) you will sabotage your weight loss results. They are packed with sugar and provide really no nutritional value. If you HAVE to drink juice, limit it to ½ cup a day, add water to it and make sure that it says 100% juice. But I would highly suggest cutting juice out all the way. Unless you’re mixing it with vodka- have at it.

RICE, POTATOES, PASTA, AND BREAD- These four items are my absolute favorite foods in the entire world. You know who else loves rice, potatoes, pasta and bread? My love handles, mom pouch and back rolls. Keep these foods at a minimum. Now if you’re really trying to lose a large amount of weight I would remove them from your diet completely for at least 21 days. But if you’re just trying to maintain or lose an extra 5 pounds ditch the pasta, ditch the potatoes, and switch out your bread and white rice for whole-grain bread and brown rice. I allow myself a half cup of whole grain brown rice a day. I only have pasta about once a month and I don’t eat bread that often at all. My Kryptonite, however, is potatoes. I love potatoes anyway you give them to me: fried, slathered in cheese and bacon, baked, or even just chips, I really don’t give a fuck. I just love potatoes. BUT I only allow myself to eat them probably once every two weeks.

FRUIT- I know. I know. Fruit is supposed to be healthy. And in moderation it can be. However, fruit contains a ton of natural sugars and when you’re trying to lose weight the sugar helps store the fat and not get rid of it. So if you are trying to lose a good amount of weight, take out the fruit all together. You get one green tip banana a day or one green apple a day. The reason why it’s important for the banana to be green tipped is because it has not developed a lot of its sugar yet. If you eat a yellow banana or one that has some browning, they contain a lot of sugar and will set your diet back.

Now that I am just maintaining, I allow myself to eat whatever fruits I want on a daily basis. That normally consist of strawberries, blackberries, raspberries and bananas. But I only have them in moderation. So I have them for breakfast or have them for a snack. You can also have smoothies but make sure you request no sugar added if you are not making it at home.

ALCOHOL- Take my hand. We’ll do this one together. This is going to kill you guys, because it kills me to say but if you want to lose weight- cut out alcohol. Even wine. Dear, God. Let me take a seat.

Alcohol is basically a magnet for fat. They go together like two peas in a bitch-ass pod. But it’s only 21 days and the results are totally worth it. Once the 21 days is completed, you can incorporate wine (or at least I did). I really only drink wine now. Some people may disagree and say wine has a lot of calories but, at least for me, I’m fine if I have three or four or five glasses of wine a week. Don’t judge my life. I have kids.


-VEGGIES, VEGGIES AND MORE VEGGIES- Dark green veggies are the best because they help give you essential vitamins and help clean out your system/ keep you regular. Make sure to always have fresh vegetables or even the frozen vegetables on hand. I always buy a big container of organic lettuce and Olive Garden salad dressing and that is basically my go-to “after dinner snack”. You can also roast vegetables in advance and have them to snack on.

-Maintaining a healthy lifestyle and having children and a husband who do not agree with that lifestyle can prove to be difficult but it is not impossible. I rarely make pasta in my house, unless I literally have nothing else to eat. I always make a protein, a veggie and a starch. If I making something with white rice I just make myself a small batch of brown rice on the side otherwise I only eat the protein and the veggie.

-Another issue I find is having tempting snacks in the house. I have to buy snacks for my kids, and my biggest kid of all, my husband. I make sure they are snacks that I do not like so that way I’m not tempted to eat any of them. The only time I have a hard time resisting is if I buy a bag of potato chips but I just get those in nasty flavors so I can easily resist them *evil laugh*.

-I am a bacon fanatic. I am a pork fanatic. If this swine it’s mine (I’m actually contemplating getting that tattooed on my butt cheek). I love bacon. And on this diet I can eat it every day if I want. There is this beautiful little gem of a snack that I absolutely adore and it’s called bacon jerky. I am normally not a jerky fan at all but my cousin, Tiffany, had me try bacon jerky and let me tell you it is a Godsend. She calls it pocket bacon. And I can’t think of a more fitting name. It’s just bacon on the go. So when I have my cravings for chips, or any kind of salty midday snack, I just pull out my pocket bacon and go at it.

-Another snack that I like to make myself is deviled eggs. You can have mayonnaise as it’s just oil and eggs really. The only thing you have to be careful with is relish. Make sure that it is not the sweet relish. You can only use the dill relish because the sweet relish has a shit ton of sugar in it.

-I am also a huge fan of meatballs and it can be prepared in advance so you can eat as a snack during the week. So I buy a package of the Italian sausage/beef meatballs and prepare it with a jar of my favorite tomato sauce (be careful because a lot of tomato sauces have a ton of sugar in them). I store them in the fridge for whenever I get hungry or want a quick snack.

-Hummus is another go to for me. I eat hummus with carrots sticks or cucumber slices and trick myself into believing that they are chips. It will take a couple of days for you to get over the fact that they are not chips, but once you get used to eating healthier they will be a delectable delicacy.

-Crust-less quiche. I make quiche a lot and it is not difficult to make at all. I make all kinds of flavors each week so that each morning I just heat up a slice and I can take it with me to go. If you want me to do a recipe for quiche leave a comment below and I got you, boo.

-Don’t eat anything after 8 PM. I have to admit that I still struggle with this on a regular basis. I love snacks while watching TV but I find that I lose and maintain the best when I don’t eat terribly after 8 PM.

If you put your big girl panties on and attempt the 21 sugar detox you won’t regret it. Furthermore, you probably won’t crave half of the sugar and carbs that you do now once you’ve actually completed the 21 days.

All right so that’s all I could think of right now. But if you have any specific questions leave me a comment, or send me a DM on Instagram or Facebook, and I will thoroughly answer your questions to the best of my ability. I hope this helps you all!

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  • Brittani
    Posted at 17:02h, 15 March Reply

    Needs that quiche recipe! And you should host a 21 day detox challenge!

    • The Funny Momma
      Posted at 17:13h, 15 March Reply

      Such a good idea! And I got you on the quiche recipe:)

  • Marisol
    Posted at 19:15h, 15 March Reply

    As I was Reading I was thinking….girl!!! I need that quiche recipe! Thanks for sharing this and especially sharing your food ideas. I struggle with putting together food options with lists like these but you made it easy to understand. I’m down for a funny momma 21 detox challenge!!! After Easter?!?

  • Jackie
    Posted at 20:46h, 15 March Reply

    Yes quiche recipe, No Wine 🙁 i just might die ?? and you should absolutely do a 21 day detox challenge!!! ❤️

    • The Funny Momma
      Posted at 20:47h, 15 March Reply

      I nearly did die??? But I am totally down for the detox challenge! I’m going to set it up and post!

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