I was only 19 years old when I had my oldest son, CJ. Looking back on my first pregnancy, I have to admit that my 19-year-old body proved to be waaayyy more equipped to keep up with a baby than my now 30-year-old body. Aside from the fact that my entire family was pissed at me for getting pregnant in the first place- I pretty much had it made. My pregnancy was pretty much a breeze. CJ was the easiest, most relaxed baby EVER. And because he was first grandchild/nephew in my family, everyone always wanted to watch him, so I pretty much always had a babysitter.

Although I was very young, my transition into motherhood was pretty smooth.

Five years after having CJ, I was introduced to Elijah – my bonus baby. Adjusting to this new addition took some time because my now husband/then boyfriend and I were learning how to successfully blend our two families. The challenge was that CJ and Elijah are just 8 months apart in age, so it was basically like raising twins who were polar opposites and barely got along.

The boys were constantly fighting, none of our schedules ever matched up and merging both our styles of parenting was so hard! I’m not gonna lie… there were a few times I nearly lost myself to motherhood during this time in my life but by the grace of God, I kept it together. After A LOT of hard work, we found a routine that worked for both our boys.

Fast forward to five years later when my adorably handsome (yet borderline psychotic) baby boy, Ashton, was born. From the moment I got pregnant with Ashton, I realized this pregnancy would be very different from my pregnancy with CJ. I couldn’t sleep for more than four hours a night, nausea was my best friend and I dealt with terrible back pain as his favorite place to rest was on my sciatic nerve. It was no surprise that when he was born, he took over my entire body, life and soul.

After dealing with and surviving postpartum depression for the first six months that Ashton was alive, I honestly thought that moving forward would be a breeze. I finally got him to sleep through the night (for the most part), I semi-learned how to balance work life/baby life and I had finally got back to the point where I could focus on the rest of my family as well. Along with all of the regular mommy stuff (school, practices, games, band recitals, boy scout meetings, school volunteering), I spent numerous hours a week creating schedules, grocery lists, homework index cards, etc. Basically anything I could do to make me and my family’s life easier and more productive.

. I spent so much time focusing on my family, that I became an afterthought to myself. I think I was so afraid to lose control like I did during my postpartum depression bout, that I felt I needed to organize every single aspect of my family life,  so I would never feel overwhelmed again. Well that was a terrible method of thinking. I was so overwhelmed that it literally started showed on the outside.

I have always been a lover of all things fashion. I’m in no way a fashion guru, but let’s just say I always like to keep up with the trends. Trendy tops, ripped jeans, chic dresses, to-die-for heels; that was pretty much my way of dressing before Ashton came around. I never really noticed that I stopped dressing that way until my sister, Bonnie (Boozin’ with Bon) called me on my shit.

Bonnie- “What are you wearing?”

Me- “Huh? What’s wrong with this” I said as I glanced down at my target sweatpants, Adidas flip-flops, mixed match socks and my husband’s old t-shirt that was adorned with fresh baby throw-up. I really was a fucking messy’all . I literally had no clue how shitty I looked.

Bonnie- “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

I was still confused.

My mom (never one to be soft-spoken)- “Yeah and your hair looks like a rat’s nest. Those ends are horrendous.”

My baby sister, Zari, always tries to stay neutral. She never really gives her opinion unless you ask. I glanced at her for confirmation that I looked fine and my mom and Bonnie were just trippin’. She couldn’t even make eye contact. It was that bad.

The whole thing turned into a typical Rodriguez women intervention session They read me up, down, right, left, sideways and everything in between. They basically told me that I had become a hermit, I let myself go, I smelled of baby vomit, my eyebrows weren’t even, my nails looked like last year and my new-found personality was boring. After they laid it out that way, I could see where they were coming from.

Side note- I was raised in a very cut throat, no-nonsense and blunt family. If there is an issue, we address it head first. Although this may seem harsh, we dish it because we know how to take it. And we know that the criticism is always coming from a good and honest place.  

When I got home that night, I put the baby to bed, told my husband and older boys to leave me alone for the rest of the night, walked into my bathroom and locked the door. I stared at myself in the mirror for at least 30 minutes. It felt like it was the  first time I had actually looked at myself in over a year. Take my word when I say I looked like shit.

First thing I did was took a long ass shower. I washed my hair about three times and deep conditioned it. My legs and hoo-ha looked like Chewbacca and Cousin It were going on a date, so shaved them things up real nice. My underarms looked like a Chia Pet, so I hollered at them too.

After I showered, shaved, washed my hair and finally smelled like a decent human being, I needed to do damage control in my closet. I got rid of all of my maternity clothes (except my maternity bras because they’re too comfy to give up) and oversized clothing that became more of a security blanket to hide the weight I gained, but refused to acknowledge.

The next morning, I headed to my mom’s salon to get a much need haircut and color.  Aside from the fact that I had to hear my mom’s incessant nagging on how embarrassed she was that I allowed my hair to get this terrible, I was thoroughly pleased with how my hair looked. Then I had to hit the nail salon!

I got a gel mani/pedi and splurged $30 extra to get the “Pink Himalayan Salt Scrub” that we all really know is just Morton’s Sea Salt in pink dyed baby oil. I didn’t care that it was most likely a fraud. It felt fabulous. I also got my eyebrows and lip waxed because I was beginning to resemble the Wolf Man.

Next, I went to the mall and walked into one of those shady, Asian massage places you always see, but never go in. They almost look like a place people go to sell organs on the black market. But the way I was feeling, I was willing to risk it all for a $1 a minute massage. And I’m really fucking happy I did because I left that mall feeling completely and utterly relaxed.

Later that day, I had my first irresponsible momma moment and pulled out my credit card – that I had worked so very hard to pay off. I went online shopping and purchased a few additions that would liven up my closet , but not break the bank. Even though I didn’t want to use my card, I didn’t feel bad about it because I was finally doing something for me.

I deserved it!

Those two days were INCREDIBLE! Just taking that time to pamper myself had me feeling like a million bucks! I knew that I wanted to have this me time on a more regular basis so I enlisted my wonderful niece, Alaysia, to help me out!  I now pay her to watch my boys each and every Wednesday, after work, so I can run errands, get some alone time and most importantly I can focus on me!

So finally, after over a year of self-neglect, I was back to being myself!  I wanted to share this story with you all because I know that so many times, as a mom, there is so much going on with your children that it can prove to be really, really difficult to make time for yourself. Even if you have to take baby steps; I’m talking waking up a little bit earlier than everyone to get that 15 minutes of quiet or scheduling a weekly manicure during your lunch break! You deserve it Mama!   

The post Losing Yourself to Motherhood- Never Put Yourself on the Back Burner appeared first on The Funny Momma.

Unfortunately, there are some mothers out there who feel their way is the only way. And in turn, they treat mothers who don’t parent the same way they do as if they are inferior. This post is for all the judgmental mommas out there who think they are better than others. Hopefully you all take this letter to heart and begin to support the mommy community instead of mom shaming. For those of you who don’t- *NEWSFLASH* you’re a biatch.

Dear Judgy Ass Mothers,

Stop giving me unsolicited advice. I know the bag of Doritos I packed in my son’s lunchbox isn’t organic. The organic chips were $8 more and they taste like shit. I try to incorporate healthy foods as often as possible but unless you’re going to foot the bill, do me a favor and shut the fuck up.

I’m a screen time mom. It is what it is. I commend the fact that you can entertain your toddler for hours a day while also washing clothes, making dinner and cleaning up. However, I’m not that talented. So leave me alone and let my child watch Boss Baby in peace.

JUST BECAUSE A WOMAN IS NOT MARRIED DOESN’T MEAN SHE ISN’T FIT FOR PARENTHOOD. Sorry, guys. I had to scream that one so the people in back could hear. Although I am married now, before marriage I endured countless years of judgement from other moms because they were married and I was not. I need you all to listen very carefully to what I am about to say: I am just as capable of being a good parent as you are with or without a husband.  And FYI, just because there is not a ring on a woman’s finger and she has a child, that doesn’t make her a hoe.

Yes. I am getting my children fast food for dinner tonight. Not because I want to, but because I just left a full day of work, picked up two preteens from school and a toddler from daycare. One child has basketball practice and the other has boy scouts, so by the time I get home it’s close to 8:30 pm. Now riddle me this. Who in THEE fuck is about to cook a full dinner while still having  to help with homework, make  sure everyone has bathed, put the baby to sleep and carve out a little time to get my funky ass in shower. Girl, bye. Big Macs for the win. 

I am well aware of the fact that school will be out in a month and I should’ve signed up for camps months ago. I don’t need a reminder.

Yes, I know. My child’s socks do not match. I’m not sure how you manage to keep all of the pairs together but in my house they all go missing. I don’t have time to go on a Sherlock Holmes mission to solve the case of the missing socks. All I care about is that my children’s feet are warm. Besides, isn’t mix and match in right now?

I know my hair is a mess and I have toothpaste on my shirt. The baby slept two hours last night, my middle child didn’t tell me he had a report due today until 7pm last night and my boss is getting on my last nerve. Cut me some slack.

Stop asking me how old my oldest child is and then, while making the most exaggerated surprised face ever, say “Wow. You started early.” Everyone knows that you don’t mean that as a compliment, Susan. Don’t forget that my “early” ass is paying just as much in school tuition as you are.

Don’t give me the stink eye when I pull up late to the school for the 2^nd time this week. I’m hard enough on myself about my child’s tardiness and I’m truly working on it. I don’t need you trying to make me feel bad too.

Just because my toddler is screaming his head off in the middle of the grocery store doesn’t mean that he’s a brat. He missed his morning nap, it’s 20 minutes till bed time and the hard ass grocery cart seat he’s been sitting in for the past 25 minutes is starting to get to him. Mind your business.

Yes, I have tattoos. Does that make me a bad mom? No. My husband has full tattooed sleeves on both arms. Does that make him a bad dad? No. Just means he’s artistic or some shit like that.

I scream for my child at his basketball games because he’s my special baby and I’m proud of him. Don’t like it? Wear some ear plugs. Cause mama ain’t stoppin’ no time soon.

These are only a few of the many judgmental innuendos that come to mind. However, at least for me, they are some of the most hurtful and annoying. Next time you decided to stick your nose up to another fellow momma who is not parenting to your standards, remember that she carried her child for 9 months just like you. She has endured countless sleepless nights due to a teething baby just like you. AND she is doing her best to raise her children.  Just. Like. You.

Spend more time uplifting other mothers rather than breaking them down. There is no manual on mommyhood. We’re all just winging it. So get off your high horse, throw on some sweat pants and come join the mommy community. Just make sure to leave your judgement at the door.

Sincerely,

The Funny Momma

PS. I am buying grocery store cupcakes for the school bake sale. Sure I could bake them myself but let’s get real. I got shit to do.

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Sidenote: I am not a nutritionist or doctor. This is just what worked for me.

I found it on Pinterest and it is called the 21 day sugar detox. It’s basically just a chart that tells you what to eat, what not to eat and what you can have in moderation. I’ve attached it to the bottom of this blog post. But that’s only for 21 days and although I did lose 33 pounds after baby, I cannot be that strict for the rest of my life. So below I’m going to tell you what to do if you’re trying to lose a shit-ton of weight versus if you’re just trying to maintain or trim off that five little extra pounds.

Alright. Let’s do this.

SUGARS- NO SUGAR AT ALL! That means no white sugar, no brown sugar and no natural sugars (honey, agave, brown rice syrup). At least not until you are satisfied with your weight loss. Sugar is the biggest culprit of unwanted weight gain so Cut. That. Shit. Out. Now that I am off the detox I use natural sweeteners in my tea/coffee or Splenda. Just one. Don’t go crazy ya’ crackhead.

WATER – Drink plenty of water. I’m not talking one 16 ounce bottle of water a day. I’m talking at least a gallon a day. Starting will be very difficult. You’ll feel like a fish and you’ll feel like giving up but water is key. When I first started, I set an alarm on my phone for every 30 minutes to alert me that I needed to drink more water. That really helped me with finishing the bottle by the end the day. Water not only helps to flush out your system, it makes you more regular AND it helps your skin glow. Especially if you booze it up like I do. Water is your friend.

JUICE AND SODA- These two mother fuckers are a weight-loss nightmare. No matter how strict you are on a diet, if you are still drinking soda and juice (even if it’s diet soda) you will sabotage your weight loss results. They are packed with sugar and provide really no nutritional value. If you HAVE to drink juice, limit it to ½ cup a day, add water to it and make sure that it says 100% juice. But I would highly suggest cutting juice out all the way. Unless you’re mixing it with vodka- have at it.

RICE, POTATOES, PASTA, AND BREAD- These four items are my absolute favorite foods in the entire world. You know who else loves rice, potatoes, pasta and bread? My love handles, mom pouch and back rolls. Keep these foods at a minimum. Now if you’re really trying to lose a large amount of weight I would remove them from your diet completely for at least 21 days. But if you’re just trying to maintain or lose an extra 5 pounds ditch the pasta, ditch the potatoes, and switch out your bread and white rice for whole-grain bread and brown rice. I allow myself a half cup of whole grain brown rice a day. I only have pasta about once a month and I don’t eat bread that often at all. My Kryptonite, however, is potatoes. I love potatoes anyway you give them to me: fried, slathered in cheese and bacon, baked, or even just chips, I really don’t give a fuck. I just love potatoes. BUT I only allow myself to eat them probably once every two weeks.

FRUIT- I know. I know. Fruit is supposed to be healthy. And in moderation it can be. However, fruit contains a ton of natural sugars and when you’re trying to lose weight the sugar helps store the fat and not get rid of it. So if you are trying to lose a good amount of weight, take out the fruit all together. You get one green tip banana a day or one green apple a day. The reason why it’s important for the banana to be green tipped is because it has not developed a lot of its sugar yet. If you eat a yellow banana or one that has some browning, they contain a lot of sugar and will set your diet back.

Now that I am just maintaining, I allow myself to eat whatever fruits I want on a daily basis. That normally consist of strawberries, blackberries, raspberries and bananas. But I only have them in moderation. So I have them for breakfast or have them for a snack. You can also have smoothies but make sure you request no sugar added if you are not making it at home.

ALCOHOL- Take my hand. We’ll do this one together. This is going to kill you guys, because it kills me to say but if you want to lose weight- cut out alcohol. Even wine. Dear, God. Let me take a seat.

Alcohol is basically a magnet for fat. They go together like two peas in a bitch-ass pod. But it’s only 21 days and the results are totally worth it. Once the 21 days is completed, you can incorporate wine (or at least I did). I really only drink wine now. Some people may disagree and say wine has a lot of calories but, at least for me, I’m fine if I have three or four or five glasses of wine a week. Don’t judge my life. I have kids.

TIPS ON HOW TO SURVIVE THE DETOX  FROM HELL

-VEGGIES, VEGGIES AND MORE VEGGIES- Dark green veggies are the best because they help give you essential vitamins and help clean out your system/ keep you regular. Make sure to always have fresh vegetables or even the frozen vegetables on hand. I always buy a big container of organic lettuce and Olive Garden salad dressing and that is basically my go-to “after dinner snack”. You can also roast vegetables in advance and have them to snack on.

-Maintaining a healthy lifestyle and having children and a husband who do not agree with that lifestyle can prove to be difficult but it is not impossible. I rarely make pasta in my house, unless I literally have nothing else to eat. I always make a protein, a veggie and a starch. If I making something with white rice I just make myself a small batch of brown rice on the side otherwise I only eat the protein and the veggie.

-Another issue I find is having tempting snacks in the house. I have to buy snacks for my kids, and my biggest kid of all, my husband. I make sure they are snacks that I do not like so that way I’m not tempted to eat any of them. The only time I have a hard time resisting is if I buy a bag of potato chips but I just get those in nasty flavors so I can easily resist them *evil laugh*.

-I am a bacon fanatic. I am a pork fanatic. If this swine it’s mine (I’m actually contemplating getting that tattooed on my butt cheek). I love bacon. And on this diet I can eat it every day if I want. There is this beautiful little gem of a snack that I absolutely adore and it’s called bacon jerky. I am normally not a jerky fan at all but my cousin, Tiffany, had me try bacon jerky and let me tell you it is a Godsend. She calls it pocket bacon. And I can’t think of a more fitting name. It’s just bacon on the go. So when I have my cravings for chips, or any kind of salty midday snack, I just pull out my pocket bacon and go at it.

-Another snack that I like to make myself is deviled eggs. You can have mayonnaise as it’s just oil and eggs really. The only thing you have to be careful with is relish. Make sure that it is not the sweet relish. You can only use the dill relish because the sweet relish has a shit ton of sugar in it.

-I am also a huge fan of meatballs and it can be prepared in advance so you can eat as a snack during the week. So I buy a package of the Italian sausage/beef meatballs and prepare it with a jar of my favorite tomato sauce (be careful because a lot of tomato sauces have a ton of sugar in them). I store them in the fridge for whenever I get hungry or want a quick snack.

-Hummus is another go to for me. I eat hummus with carrots sticks or cucumber slices and trick myself into believing that they are chips. It will take a couple of days for you to get over the fact that they are not chips, but once you get used to eating healthier they will be a delectable delicacy.

-Crust-less quiche. I make quiche a lot and it is not difficult to make at all. I make all kinds of flavors each week so that each morning I just heat up a slice and I can take it with me to go. If you want me to do a recipe for quiche leave a comment below and I got you, boo.

-Don’t eat anything after 8 PM. I have to admit that I still struggle with this on a regular basis. I love snacks while watching TV but I find that I lose and maintain the best when I don’t eat terribly after 8 PM.

If you put your big girl panties on and attempt the 21 sugar detox you won’t regret it. Furthermore, you probably won’t crave half of the sugar and carbs that you do now once you’ve actually completed the 21 days.

All right so that’s all I could think of right now. But if you have any specific questions leave me a comment, or send me a DM on Instagram or Facebook, and I will thoroughly answer your questions to the best of my ability. I hope this helps you all!

Make sure that you subscribe to my blog so you can get all of my tips and tricks!

The post Postpartum Weight Loss- How I lost 33lbs. appeared first on The Funny Momma.

First of all, the meetings always start at the most inconvenient time. If school closes at 3:00 pm and aftercare ends at 6:00 pm, why would you start the meeting at 7:15 pm? That means I either have to go home for all of 20 seconds just to turn right back around to go all the way back to the school or find something random to do nearby for an hour and 15 minutes . Do the organizers of these meetings  even consider the fact that my kid still has to eat, bathe and do homework?

Then, when you walk in, you are bombarded by sign-up lists and raffle tickets that are forced upon you. No, I do not want to volunteer for library duty or bake sale duty or field day duty. And I do not give a shit about winning a gift card to Krispy Kreme. There’s only one Krispy Kreme in my area and it’s 30 minutes away. Leave me alone.

Oh and let’s discuss how there are NEVER any seats in the back.  A place where you can be alone and read about the latest celebrity gossip on your phone in peace. But, no. That would be too kind. There is only one fucking seat left in the whole cafeteria and it’s next to Becky Swharmoski, the mom who won’t shut the hell up and is always trying to share her vegan cupcake recipes. NEWS FLASH! I LOVE BUTTER!

Also, why is it taking so long for this thing to start!?!

And let’s not forget about Susan the obsessed room mom that demands maximum participation from every parent.  Susan, stop fucking looking at me like that. Yes, I did see your email asking me to chaperone the field trip to the museum. And yes, I ignored the shit out of it. I can’t stand taking my own kids to the museum let alone a bunch of rowdy-ass 5^th graders.

Then, when they FINALLY decide to start the meeting, the first topic is always how to get more parent attendance at these meetings. Wellllllllllllllll, maybe if you had better food than a day old veggie tray and dry ass tea cookies, more parents would be willing to sacrifice their own dinners to make it here. And would it kill you to have a couple of bottles of wine on deck? Attendance would surely sky-rocket if we could booze it up with the principle and the president of the PTA. Just a thought.

You’ve got to be kidding me. I KNOW we are not going over the school budget again. I. DON’T. GIVE. A. SHIT.

And is it just me or is there ALWAYS a new fundraiser? If my child brings home one more box of those damn chocolate bars or a Claire’s Gourmet catalog I’M GOING TO SCREAM! Not only are YOU getting on MY nerves, I’M getting on my co-workers, neighbors and family members’ nerves because every five seconds I have my child hunting them down to purchase a new item to “help raise funds for the school”. I guess the plus side is  that I know my child would have a very successful career in door to door sales.

There’s no such thing as vegan meatloaf, Becky. It’s literally just not a thing. Meat is in the title. Please stop talking to me.

And if you were just going to read it verbatim, why did you pass me this handout in the first place? I know where all the budget is going;  to printing out all of these unnecessary pamphlets and flyers. Speaking of these flyers and handouts, who is really reading these things?  I’m just here to give the appearance that I actually care about what’s going on. As long as my child has good grades and is being treated fairly, I really don’t know what else we have to talk about?

And what feels like an eternity later, after we’ve heard from the principle, the head room mom, every club the school has, the school nurse and the janitor, they finally decide it’s time to wrap it up.  But you can’t just leave. Oh no. It doesn’t work that way. Now you have mingle with the other parents and talk about the same shit you just sat through for the past two hours of your life.

God. Will this ever end!?!?

These meetings always end with me being pissed TF off because I’ve now missed the beginning of Love and Hip Hop or Little Women LA. I also end up breaking my diet because I have to get my kids something quick to eat, so I almost always head over to Chick Fil A. But for some sick reason, I just keep coming back.

The truth is, I gain nothing by attending these meetings. I just lose a piece of the little bit of sanity I have left.

At the end of the day, to make all of this easier for everyone, couldn’t this all have been sent in an email?

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